Less Facebook Lurking, More Blogging

4..3...2...1!

Here I go again, attempting to remedy my on-and-off relationship with my blog. It has been a while and a lot of things have happened... and I mean a looooot.

Part of my absence may be from too much Facebook-ing. I have to admit that Facebook has become a huge part of my life. I am not really the type who posts pictures or updates my status on a daily basis. I don't really see the need to broadcast my hourly activities (no offense meant), and my face doesn't really change every day. I am usually fine with three posts or less per week and one profile photo change per month.

I just tend to go through all the status updates, photos, videos, and whatnot in the News Feeds. God! I seem to know everything that everybody's been doing.  My work permits me to be always online. Even if I am busy working or I am out for field work, you'll typically see that green dot beside my name and photo, indicating that I am online. At nighttime, I also tend to go online and basically just browse through. I have to say it's getting dull and my energy needs directed to more productive activities like finally reading the books I haven't returned in years and illegally downloading series and movies. hahaha  I am so behind on those categories. And oops, I almost forgot, I must update blog! haha I also have trouble catching some zzzz's and FB isn't helping at all.

While it is nice to be always updated and be able to get in touch with loved ones from the other side of the universe, Facebook is such a toxic place for me now. I mean, with so much going on in the world and my world, I think I need some space from FB. I think I need to distance myself from those who continually boast, bring other people down, act like they are the expert on everything, wash their dirty linens in public, etc. etc.

Realistically, I won't leave FB cold turkey because I still embrace its positive purpose and I believe it is kind of healthy to occasionally browse. With its boundless number of members, my beanie business highly depends on it. Plus, without FB, how will you read my pointless rantings? hahaha However, I won't go the extra mile and deactivate my account when I know I will reactivate it.

Perhaps I need to break free from Mark Zuckerberg's multibillion-worth creation for a week or so. My urge to be always online has to stop. No more random sarcastic remarks, vanity/food photos (really, I have to stop taking photos of my food!) and feel-good music videos. The liking, commenting and chatting will also stop... for now.

I need some space, FB. It's not you, it's me. I'll still be around, but not really.

Bye. Don't miss me too much!

Neekul has left the building.

Of Zigzag Roads and Unexpected Adventures in Sagada

Everybody deserves a vacation. Yeah, that’s what we all thought. This was one of the reasons why we couldn't say no to a dear friend’s invitation to go to Sagada. The trip was booked months in advance, giving us time to save up and prepare. We just could not wait for our very long weekend/holiday to arrive.

Everything was perfect. Well, almost. The unkind weather in Luzon days before the trip ruined the excitement, leading one of us to back out. The enthusiasm was replaced by panic, doubt and all the negativity. Thanks a lot, exaggerated information from the media. In spite of the terrifying news and our parents’ disapproving looks, we decided to take the risk, hoping we won’t be sorry in the end.

Nature has a subtle way of getting through you. That faint cold breeze. That sweet smell. You get lost in oblivion but in a positive way.  As every work of art, natural or man-made, was unveiled to us, we couldn’t help but shriek in delight.

Not only was our destination wonderful, our journey was equally amusing.  Thank God for a safe and fun vacation. With everything that we have been through with our work and personal life, it was something we badly needed. Each body ache was worth the magnificent quest. Not everything went according to plan but the imperfections made the trip somehow perfect.

Long driving hours. Zigzag roads. Interesting stopovers. Never-ending laughter. Crazy stories. Unlimited photos. Pleasant heart-to-heart talks. Preserved culture. Breathtaking views. Unique cuisine. Hagdang-hagdang palayan. Mystifying cave. Hanging coffins. Bed weather. Freezing showers. Long sleeves. Colorful leggings. Unending walks. Muddy Feet. Challenging mountains. Elusive sunrise. Free WiFi. Revitalizing drizzles. Heavy rains. Last-minute shopping. Unexpected adventures. What’s not to love?

I just can’t wait for the sequel! :)

Neekul has left the building.

How?

A lot of things don't seem to make sense at all. I am tormented by these unanswered questions and they are driving me crazy.

How does one deal with pain?

When you can’t bear it anymore, would you choose to be numb?

How does one become tougher?

When you have used all your strength, would you give in to weakness?

How does one accept the truth?

When you could not find any more excuses, would you rather live in lies?

How does one become wiser?

When you have thought it all through, would you settle for stupidity?

How does one remain faithful?

When everything fails despite your belief, would you live in doubt?

How does one see the light?

When nothing becomes clear anymore, would you hide in the dark?

How does one learn to move on?

When you know that things have changed, would you dwell in the past?

How does one continue to love?

When heartbreaks become too much to handle, would you rather not love at all?

How? Beats me. If anyone knows all the answers to these questions, please enlighten me. You’ll be doing me a huge favor. Yeah, I know the photo looks ambiguous... pretty much how I'm seeing the world lately. :(

Neekul has left the building.

Of Odd Dreams

I have been having these odd dreams lately. Wait, whose dreams are normal, right? Blah, I easily get distracted. I recently read an article about dreaming and it said we forget 95% of our dreams when we wake up. Although they are not related, most of the dream scenarios I remember actually have a theme. They are people, circumstances and things in the past that I considered or still consider important.

Sigmund Freud called dreams “the royal road to the unconscious.”After mentioning some of my dreams to a friend, I realized these are the things that I am too scared to let go of.  Mr. Freud couldn't get any more right! When people leave, circumstances change or things get lost, I tend to act as if I am completely fine with it. I choose not to dwell on the loss or to cry over spilled milk. I put on a brave face and move on, or at least try.

Maybe my dreams are telling me that there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable; that perhaps crying does not make me weak. In fact, I become stronger as I face the sad realities head on. Brushing them off can only cause haunting dreams, constant reminders that I can truly let go when there is acceptance that some people close to me did leave, a lot of pleasant circumstances in my life did change and the things I valued did get lost.

Now that I am having these overly dramatic realizations, I hope tonight I dream of positive things like a date with Blake Griffin, chocolate rain or having super powers. After all some studies say that you have the power to control your dreams. Wish me luck!

I captured the photo by accident and I just love the outcome!

Neekul has left the building.

I Do Them, Anyway

It has been a three-month hiatus. God, have I become lazy (lazier?)!

I keep on saying that my life has been the same but in reality, I have changed. I can't really pinpoint what it is because when I think about it, everything seems the same: work, relationships and routines. Even my weight is stuck in a rot.

I've been having this habit of trying to swear off certain toxic things. Unfortunately, I just keep on failing. I never seem to get the momentum to permanently say good bye to them. When I start believing that I am doing well, something just pulls me, and then I'm back to square one. Is the short-lived euphoria worth the feelings of regret, sleepless nights and I-should-have-resisted-the-temptation moments?

I know eating desserts make me fat, drinking coffee gives me an upset stomach, using hair creams causes skin breakouts, sleeping late worsens pimples, crochet cramming makes my hand swell, and saying yes will cause future sadness, but I do them, anyway.

So, what will I do next? I honestly have no idea. Get some sleep perhaps because it's past midnight? :p

Neekul has left the building.

letting go

...so okay, it's 2012 and all. It's definitely time for things to change. After everything that did and didn't happen, I realized that there's no more room for nth chances. It's time to let go of negative feelings. I guess.

Here's a song that I really really love. Enjoy!

Anthem by Urbandub

I'm mapping the routes to take
Preparing ways for quiet
And some proper conversation
When everything is seen so clearly now
I'd like to think
We can be honest with ourselves
Sleepless nights
When your memory consumed me
But they all have been long gone

I'm so much more
Than what you cared to see
You drove me away
Now I can move forward
Move forward
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/u/urbandub/anthem.html ]
Missed chance and mistakes
How were we to know
That it would end when we began?
The times we've wasted
Will never return again
Sleepless nights
When your memory consumed me

I'm so much more
Than what you cared to see
You drove me away
Now I can move forward
Move forward

There's no time and no name
Here for us now
I'm sorry but we're much too late

My December

I have to admit 2011 has been one of the toughest years of my life. Although there were happy moments in between, I have been through hell. There were times when I just got tempted to withdraw from everybody and everything, but I chose to put a brave face.

In spite of it all, I am thankful for everything I've been through. I would like to believe that I am somehow stronger; still imperfect but better. I was able to see the people who proved their worth. I would always be grateful to those who stood by me.

December tried to compensate for the rest of the year. I wasn't really hoping for a wonderful 25th birthday or Christmas celebration, but surprisingly, I felt elated. Nothing spectacular transpired. I was just happy. The love people showed was overwhelming. It was enough to overpower the year-long feelings of hurt and disappointment.

I am truly blessed. I love you, December!